The NIBS

To the anonymous commentator

2006-03-29T16:43:00.000+01:00

Could you re-send us the link that you posted in your comment on the Cambridge-Oxford airline story? I tried the link but it doesn't work.

Thank you!

Girl NibsEd

Civil servants' rights go down the drain

2006-02-10T21:46:00.000Z

It seems that working for the civil service isn't always a bundle of laughs. Especially if you're employed by the Department of Culture in Romania.

(No, not because of a lack of culture in Romania.)

Paraschiv Usturoiu, Department of Culture boss in Vrancea county, has told his employees to use newspapers and magazines instead of toilet paper - to save money.

He seemed quite blase about the whole idea, telling 7 Plus newspaper: "I can't afford to buy toilet paper any more so I cut some local newspapers into pieces and placed them in the toilets. I'm sure they'll work just fine."

Naturally, the employees were as upset as a group of Andrex puppies who have suffocated each other in a soft and luxurious roll of toilet paper.

One woman said: "It's degrading and we can hurt ourselves or get infected from that ink they use for printing newspapers."

Good news for The Guardian. Bad news for Andrex.

Cambridge and the Teacher's Union of Namibia

2006-02-09T22:26:00.000Z

As we should make clear for readers just joining us, The Nibs is a truly global site, and in the short time we've been running we've covered everything from mannequins in Turkey to an unfortunate incident with a washing machine in Queensland. But if charity begins at home then so do crazy news stories, and so it's time to head back to Cambridge, England, for a couple of tall tales.

Martin Halstead, 19, is one of those annoying teenage success stories you read about from time to time, one of those annoying people with more money than... well, you. At 17 he was Europe's youngest pilot, and he now owns his own airline, Sky Commuter, which on Wednesday started twice daily flights between Cambridge and Oxford.

Tickets start from £99, which is more than the X5 bus, but then it does take 22 minutes rather than 3 and a half hours. No word yet on whether that includes a 15 minute stopover in Bedford bus station.

Meanwhile the high-profile clash between the University of Cambridge and the Teacher's Union of Namibia has further escalated, with Cambridge threatening to sue the TUN for claiming that "the Cambridge education system was thrown out of Britain, its birthplace, and was dumped on Namibia."

While the TUN has now apologised, tensions remain high, and it's surely only a matter of days before ambassadors are withdrawn and an academic task force readied.

Don't mention the war

2006-02-09T21:04:00.000Z

England football fans were today warned they must be on their best behaviour if they plan to travel to Germany for this summer's World Cup.

According to Obengruppenfuhre... sorry, Police Chief Gerhard Hauptmannl, fans who goose-step or give Nazi salutes will be hauled in front of a judge within 24 hours and could spend up to 2 weeks behind bars.

Speaking in Nuremberg, which he described as a city "famous for its human rights", Herr Hauptmannl insisted "we do not live in the past". (Note: the German for captain is Hauptmann, so assuming he is a police captain, we might reasonably expect his full title to be Hauptmann Hauptmannl. If you're planning to visit Nuremberg this summer, we don't suggest you point this out).

But HH did add that "we are very sensitive about our history" and warned that if convicted of inciting racial hatred, fans could face jail sentences of up to three years.

Goose-stepping and Nazi salutes? Inciting racial hatred? In the words of Mr Fawlty: "They started it!"

"Husband eats 50-year-old chicken"

2006-02-09T08:31:00.000Z

Admit it. You read the headline above and imagined a story about domestic bliss shattered when the husband eats a really old, decrepit chicken. I did. You're not alone. BBC sub-editors can be confusing like that.

But it turns out that Les Lailey, 73, from Denton in Greater Manchester, is in the news not for poultricide but, essentially, for opening a really old can.

When he and the fragrant Beryl tied the knot in 1956, they were given a hamper of food to have as a picnic. After tucking in, they were full before they could open the can of chicken, and so decided to save it for later. Sometime in the next millenium.

Points of interest about this classic local newspaper story.

1) They used to have cans of chicken. And not just cans of chicken as in 'Chicken of the Sea', but "a whole chicken in a tin". From the picture below, I'd say it was a baby.

2) Professor Eunice Taylor, a food safety expert at the University of Salford, says canned food can last almost indefinitely. That's what I assumed. But apparently, the "shelf life" is only six months. So hoarding cans of food may not be the gourmet solution when the apocalypse hits.

3) You can be an actual Professor in food safety. Presumably via a Masters in freezing or a PhD in clingfilm.

4) The picture. Yes, they're a sweet old couple, and yes, they were once fit and handsome (follow the link and scroll down to the wedding picture. And check out Beryl's sister. She's a bit of alright...) But this is realistically their last shot at international media stardom, a chance to have their story beamed around the world. Who knows, possibly a Sky News interview or Radio 2 phone in?

It's an opportunity, no doubt. But an opportunity Mr Lailey appears to be seizing in his dressing gown.

Polly's got a cracker

2006-02-02T01:16:00.000Z

When you search a news website with the word 'parrot', it's surprising how many stories come up. But obviously, there is a pecking order and so we've narrowed it down to just two incredible parrot stories.

First up, we have a story from Berlin. Ananova reports that an ornithologist has set up a dating agency for single parrots.

Rita Ohnhauser's mating agency has been a fly-away success for these monogamous birds. Already, 1,300 singletons have found their partners and Ohnhauser currently has 150 parrots "getting acquainted" with other birds at her sanctuary. "In the wild parrots search out a life partner and then spend every minute of the day with them, but when they are kept as pets they are mainly alone and get very depressed," she explains.

According to Ohnhauser, parrots can either experience a coup de foudre or be very picky about who they settle down with - an avian courtship can last up to three months.

This is where the similarities with humans end. Unlike the couple below, parrots stay together for life.

Chris Taylor, a computer programmer from Leeds, did not expect to ruffle any feathers when his girlfriend Suzy Collins came to live with him and his pet parrot.

However, when Ziggy the parrot was heard repeatedly mimicking Collins' voice addressing sweet nothings to 'Gary' and smooching sounds whenever it heard 'Gary' on TV, he smelled a rat.

It turns out that Collins had been having an affair with ex-work colleague 'Gary' for four months in the parrot's presence.

After Taylor confronted her, Collins has since moved out - but Ziggy had to go too, and was found a new home through the offices of a local parrot dealer. (I very nearly wrote 'pirate dealer'...)

I wasn't sorry to see the back of Suzy after what she did, but it really broke my heart to let Ziggy go," said Taylor.

"I love him to bits and I really miss having him around, but it was torture hearing him repeat that name over and over again."

It's enough to make anyone go crackers, really.

*GirlNibsEd apologies for the lack of posting lately. She's been busy with applications and essays. An excuse she'll probably be parroting for the next few months. Sorry, she couldn't help it.

Celebrity Big Brother, Florida style

2006-01-29T14:11:00.000Z

Having been away for the past couple of weeks, BoyNibsEd really must apologise for the lack of posting. The uncharitable might blame GirlNibsEd, for managing a grand total of three posts since January 10.

But the truth is, there's been a paucity of Nib-like news out there. Look at the facts. A politician went on Celebrity Big Brother (which turned out, oh cruel twist of fate, to be won by the only non-celebrity in there), and mewed like a cat. The Liberal Democrats, faced with the prospect of sleeping with their wives for the next decade, looked for a Real Alternative - and got caught. And a bottle-nosed whale was caught - swimming past the Houses of Parliament.

For the past two weeks, in fact, the BBC News website WAS The Nibs 24-7.

Still, some crucial stories have slipped through the cracks. Such as in the small town of Arcadia, Florida. On Friday night, as Celebrity Big Brother worked its way to its triumphant finale, Arcadia was hosting its very own celebrity event: Celebrity Kiss-A-Goat.

According to the DeSoto Sun Herald, visitors to the DeSoto County Fair were able to vote who they wanted to kiss the vote by putting pennies in a jar (a low-tech, and surely cheaper, version of calling a Channel 4 hotline). The Herald reports that various "celebrities" (the Herald, unlike Channel 4, is self-aware enough to use quotation marks) took part, with DeSoto Memorial Hosptial CEO James Chromik the runaway winner.

Unfortunately Chromik declined to take the 'prize', perhaps not unreasonably thinking that while being mocked by one's employees is all part of the job, making out with a bearded animal is above and beyond. Instead DeSoto County Fair youth livestock show coordinator Mary Ellen Brown stepped in to plant one on the unsuspecting animal, named Hernan..

Brown's comment afterwards was "at least it was a boy." She didn't actually SAY "this time"... but one suspects she may have previous experience. The 2005 DeSoto County Fair Celebrity Kiss-A-Goat contest, featuring Henrietta the goat, no doubt left a bad taste in the mouth.

Lumberjack turns to housework after kidney transplant

2006-01-20T20:17:00.000Z

Have you ever wondered whether or not it mattered that organ transplants came from the same sex as your own?

This is a question that Croatian Stjepan Lizacic, 56, probably wishes he had asked before he was given a female kidney - and along with it apparently some feminine qualities. This came as quite a shock to the normally butch and chauvinistic lumberjack.

He told local newspaper 24sata: "I have developed a strange passion for female jobs like ironing, sewing, washing dishes, sorting clothes in wardrobes and even knitting."

Lizacic is suing his local health authority for making him a laughing stock amongst his friends since developing his womanly attributes. He says that not only would he not touch the housework before the operation but now, he found it 'relaxing and fulfilling'.

Of course, his wife, Radmila, is very happy with the change - but as long as it only applies to the housework. Expressing her delight, her only misgiving was: "I only hope he doesn't start looking at other men."

What a lucky woman.

Partners for dummies

2006-01-15T23:58:00.000Z

Here on The Nibs, we've already had a lonely-woman-buys-blow-up-doll story and man-sleeps-with-mannequin tale, so it is only right that we cover all the different aspects and uses of these fake people.

Today's serious story comes from Reuters, which reports that researchers in Sweden have decided to research (as they do) into building a female version of the sexually ambiguous male crash dummies. Apparently, all current crash dummies are men, or as I like to think of them, fallen angels (aka. the memberless Alan Rickman character in Dogma).

Researchers from the Chalmers University of Technology in Gothenburg and the National Road and Transport Research Institute claim that ogling the movements of women is part of the process of designing the female crash dummy.

The road institute gives the following statement to legitimise their recent visits to Swedish lap-dancing clubs*:

"For neck injuries from rear-end collisions, whiplash, the risk for women is twice as high as for men."

Yeah, we believe you.

This female NibsEd wonders (along with every other reader, go on, admit it) just how big the breasts will be.

*Please note that although the stories on here are far-fetched enough, Girl NibsEd still likes to add her own inventions to each story every now and then. Sorry.

Animal Instincts

2006-01-11T14:13:00.000Z

If you were going to rob someone and needed to distract them, how would you do it?

Well, you could use your animal instincts, and here we have two tales to stun and delight.

You've all heard of cat burglars, but have you ever heard of a dog burglar?

The Pakistan Daily Times reports a very unique burglary in Stockton-on-Tees, where an elderly woman was robbed whilst the accomplice pretended to be a dog.

The thieves broke into the house of a 90-year-old woman and her 93-year-old brother and stunned the pair when one of the thieves "dropped to his knees and started to bark like a dog and crawl around on all fours", and the other thief snatched a purse before they both ran off.

Do you think they take turns in being the dog at each burglary they carry out?

The second story comes from Ananova, which reports the story of a Polish woman who takes the lead with her stray husband by chaining him up in a dog kennel because she was fed up with him coming home drunk.

Sick of seeing their money being wasted on vodka, Helena Bukarowicza literally put 75-year-old Zdzislawa in the dog house. Deprived of his usual creature comforts, Zdzislawa slept on an old blanket, chained in his kennel, and ate dog food and water from a bowl, yet surviving the inhumane temperatures of -20 degrees at his home in Scinawa.

He lived the dog's life for almost three weeks and was only freed when friends noticed he hadn't been at his bar stool for several days, and called the police.

The moral of these two stories are: if you sniff around enough, you're bound to come up with a few tales.

Wedged in the washing machine

2006-01-10T20:40:00.000Z

In these days of press consultants and public relations, it's refreshing to find a news story that's totally unspun. Quite literally, that is, in the sad case of Robin Toom.

Toom, 38, lives in Townsville, northern Queensland, and was playing hide and seek with his children one day when he discovered the perfect hiding place. In the washing machine. No one would ever find him there. He could be in there for hours.

Unfortunately for Robin, it turned out to be a rubbish hiding place. For one, his children discovered him in next to no time. "I couldn't even get the lid down and the kids came in and said 'Ha, ha, we found you," he said. And for two, he, well, got stuck. Wedged in an 18-pound capacity washing machine.

Toom spent the next hour inside the machine, trying a variety of methods to extricate himself. At one point, apparently, lubricant was involved. However his best efforts were to no avail, and in the end the local fire department were called.

Various attempts to free Toom - including what the Adelaide Advertiser desribes technically if somewhat clumsily as "a rescue device of seatbelt-like material" - failed, before fire officer Dave Dillon "reached into the machine and managed to free his legs", an idea so inspired, so out there, so brilliant that Toom's wife, sister, brother-in-law and kids, all watching, had never thought to try it. No doubt they were too busy pissing themselves laughing. And taking photos (like this one).

Toom is quoted as saying he plans to change to the rules of hide-and-seek for his children. "I hope they don't go hiding in any washing machines now," he said.

While he's at it, the Toom family should probably clarify the rules on tumble dryers, airing cupboards and microwaves as well. Just to be on the safe side.

Ashes to ashes, mouse to house

2006-01-09T23:15:00.000Z

In New Mexico, a man nibbled off more than he could chew when a mouse he tried to get rid of returned in a blaze of glory to burn down his house.

Horrified Luciano Mares, 81, could not believe his luck when he saw the mouse run with fire torches back into his house after he had chucked it into a pile of burning leaves.

Understandably, he was more than cheesed off at seeing his house and all his worldly possessions burn to the ground, though fortunately no humans were harmed in this experiment.

No one else seems to have reported it, but here at the Nibs we would like to add that the mouse has now joined the multi-coloured MouseTrap in the sky. God bless the fiesty Fievel and its truly American Tail.

My mannequin and other animals

2006-01-09T22:21:00.000Z

While obviously we would encourage readers to tune into this blog rather than attempt to search for their daily dose of silly stories unaccompanied by a responsible adult, our sources are no secret. Google News is always the first port of call, and many a lead can be found simply by typing random and faintly ridiculous words into the search box.

And so it is that we end up with today's feature, a bumper double-bill centred around the chosen comedy word 'mannequin'. First up, in Kingsland, Georgia, local news station WESH2 reports that a sailor's wife has come up with a novel way of dealing with hubby's absence. Suzy Walker, recently married and struggling to cope with her husband's deployment on the USS West Virginia, went and bought a life-size sailor mannequin on eBay.

The mannequin, we are told, "looks just like him". No word on whether it is, ahem, anatomically correct, but we're guessing the real deal somewhere is kinda proud of his 'tache.

(Update: the news above sounds freaky, but kind of cute. Flick over to the ABC report, however, and things get a little scarier. Suzy apparently "takes the stand-in - dressed as a sailor - to the mall, out to dinner and grocery shopping." And yes, if you click the link, that is them making out...)

The news from Turkey, meanwhile, is more disturbing, and we're not talking bird flu. The Daily Times (strapline: "A New Voice For A New Pakistan) reports that shop assistants at a department store in Antalya opened up one morning to discover a colleague of theirs lying naked with a mannequin in a store window.

The 30-year-old perp allegedly hid in the toilets while the store was being locked up for the night, then snuck back in to have his evil way with Dorothy (my pseudonym but hey, it sort of works).

The Times reports that shop assistants "called police after noticing bite marks on the mannequin". So they didn't call police when they found him lying in the shop window? They didn't call when they saw he was naked? They didn't call when they saw he was lying naked in the shop window with the violated mannequin? But when they saw bite marks, well, jeez, some lines you just don't cross.

Worse of all, when police searched the property, "two other mannequins that showed signs of abuse were also taken in evidence."

It seems that the Mannequin Monster was a serial offender.

Girls are doing it for themselves

2006-01-07T19:16:00.000Z

I have some sad news to report today concerning the state of today's youth. If I remember correctly, the youth used to respect the elders and one could wander the streets doing one's own business without a care in the world, not worrying about being mugged, stabbed, shot or spat upon. However, it seems that even today, the streets of Cincinnati, Ohio, are just as mean as the streets in the ASBO capital of the UK - Manchester.

Today, a pizza delivery guy has swallowed his balls to report to the police that he had been the target of an attempted robbery. The poor guy, aged 21, was overpowered by a groups of five assailants who knocked him to the ground but did not succeed in taking anything.

Anyone with any information about the assault are asked to contact the local police. You're looking for five girls, aged between 11 and 14. Yep, you heard right.

I know what you're thinking.

What a wuss, right?

Cleared flasher over the moon

2006-01-05T17:57:00.000Z

We go now to - where else? - the US of A, where one Raymond McNealy has been making a, well, complete arse of himself.

Mr McNealy had been accused of baring his buttocks at his neighbour and her young daughter. (His neighbour, we learn, is Nanette Vonfeldt, and if that doesn't conjure up images of a double-wide trailer and car parked on the grass then I don't know what does).

However Maryland judge John W Debelius III (insert your own joke here) acquitted McNealy of indecent exposure, arguing that "if exposure of the buttock constituted indecent exposure, any woman wearing a thong at the beach at Ocean City would be guilty."

Sky News, reporting the story, do not detail how Mr McNealy's butt compared to those of the bethonged women on Ocean City beach. They do, however, helpfully provide an image of a rather pert male bum as a reminder to those unsure as to what one really looks like. (Rather pert and, I suspect, a Stunt Bum. We at The Nibs provide an alternative, and rather tastier, artist's impression).

Mr McNealy's lawyer said after the hearing that Judge Debelius' ruling should "bring comfort to all beachgoers and plumbers." Proving once and for all that 'builder's bum' is a truly international phenomenon.

Unwanted brussel sprout on sale for charity

2006-01-05T16:02:00.000Z

Ebay has done it again - there seems to be no limit to what this site can do for publicity. It's been in the news for selling strapped-for-cash student virgins, friendship with ugly people, bottled scents of an ex, and now, meet Nicholas, the unwanted brussel sprout.

Nicholas's current owner is Leigh Knight, who promises to deliver this boiled celebrity vegetable in dry ice by special delivery to the highest bidder when the auction ends in two days. Currently, the highest bidding price is £1,200, and the ultimate buyer will be able to start the new year with a fuller heart (albeit a lighter wallet), knowing that they have simultaneously donated to Cancer Research UK and given a lonely sprout a new home.

Nicholas has been mentioned on news broadcasts around the UK and hopes to outlive his celebrity status, provided that pets keeps their distance and that he isn't mixed up with other, lesser sprouts.

Remember, sprouts are for life, not just for Christmas.